Love coach Lara Lee Caine hit rock bottom after a string of toxic relationships. Here, 10 years on from coercive control becoming an official offence, she shares her story of courage, hope - and finding true love in the end
06:00, 16 Dec 2025
Googling ‘how do you love yourself?’ Love coach Lara Lee Caine had hit rock bottom, after a string of toxic relationships. Bullied at school and called ‘ugly,’ she became painfully shy and, in early adulthood, formed an emotionally abusive relationship that became a repeat pattern.
Now 45, she has a close and loving relationship with her parents. Of one man she dated, she says: “My mum told me, ‘If you stay with him your life is going to be really hard’.” Then she dated another man, who used coercive control - trying to distance her from the people she loved. She says: “He’d tell me I could only trust him.”
Anxious and increasingly dependent on him, she blamed herself for everything. She says: “I’d walk on eggshells around him, because anything and everything would set him off.” He also started to shove her - making her feel frightened. She says: “Because he hadn’t hit me, I didn’t realise how bad it was.”
Then one day, she woke up and saw the light. She says: “I waited for him to get angry over something again - this time it was me going out with my friends - and took that as my cue to leave. “‘Make sure you leave the rent’, was all he said. I picked up my stuff and left.”
Reading everything she could about healthy relationships, when, aged 32, she met Lewis Caine she felt ready to fall in love. Now 45, and working as a love coach, she is married to Lewis, 47, who owns a loft conversion company, and lives with him and their son Harrison, nine, in Ashford, Kent.
Two years ago, Lara had colon cancer, and Lewis supported her every step of the way. “He’s my biggest cheerleader,” she says. Now cancer free, a former hairdresser, she uses her own experience to help other people through her business Lara Lee Coaching. She says: “I help successful women go from toxic love to true love - just as I did.”
It is 10 years this month since coercive control became an offence.
According to the National Centre for Domestic Violence, around 1.6 million women experience domestic abuse annually in England and Wales. Police record around 50,000 cases of coercive control in England and Wales each year. But of the domestic abuse that gets reported to police, recent research suggests coercive control could be up to over 80% of it.
As a result, world leading experts have urged the Government more needs to be done to prevent coercive control, provide victims with support, and encourage women to come forward to get help if they’re in a dangerous situation. Dr Cassandra Wiener, an Associate Professor in Law at City St George’s, University of London, works on the criminalisation of domestic abuse. She says:
“Coercive control is domestic abuse where there is a purposeful pattern of behaviour used by perpetrators to harm, punish or frighten victims through assault, humiliation and intimidation, and, sometimes, through the loss of life.” She issues a stark warning: “The link between coercive control and homicide is clear.”
She says: “Police now recognise that they need to listen to victims – someone experiencing coercive control is best placed to tell you how frightened they are, and that fear must always be taken seriously. But more needs to be done to encourage women to leave these dangerous situations and come forward to get help.”
Gemma Sherrington, CEO of Refuge, adds: “Abuse doesn’t always look the way we expect it to. It often goes unrecognised, hiding in the seemingly small moments of control and manipulation. Coercive control is a sinister pattern of behaviour designed to isolate, manipulate and intimidate. Although it is less understood than other forms of abuse, such as physical violence, it can be equally as traumatic and harmful for survivors.
“Coercive control was made a criminal offence in 2015, but there is still a long way to go to ensure every perpetrator is brought to account. Across the board, convictions for domestic abuse remain woefully low. Sadly, this can make survivors less likely to come forward, seek support, or report abuse for fear they won’t be believed.” Coercive control can trap women in relationships by eroding autonomy and limiting safe choices, but with the right support, it is possible to leave and rebuild your life free from abuse.
*If you are in an abusive relationship and need confidential advice and support, call the National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247.
Examples of coercive behaviour include (Source: Women's Aid):
- Isolating you from friends and family
- Depriving you of basic needs, such as food
- Monitoring your time
- Monitoring you via online communication tools or spyware
- Taking control over aspects of your everyday life, such as where you can go, who you can see, what you can wear and when you can sleep
- Depriving you access to support services, such as medical services
- Repeatedly putting you down, such as saying you’re worthless
- Humiliating, degrading or dehumanising you
- Controlling your finances
- Making threats or intimidating you